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Sinus Sister’s Arrested Development

Arrested Development

This is the story of a blog whose future was abruptly cancelled and the one writer who had no choice but to keep herself together. It’s Sinus Sister’s arrested development.

When the Bluth family adopted Lindsay, they didn’t count on her having yet another sister—the third Sitwell girl. She was a writer who had recently been dragged off to Lucille Austero’s rehab clinic because of her fondness for Benadryl and Sudafed. Since her last blog post in March 2012, she’d hit rock bottom, chasing pseudoephedrine with antihistamines with Jesse from Breaking Bad. She smashed her nette pot and went back on nasal sprays, using five or six times a day. Her dealer operated out of the same corner store where Gob got his Forget-Me-Now pills. The only one who noticed her mounting addiction was Max Fowler, the pharmacist.

[“Mister F”]

Angered by all the “Non-Drowsy” sinus medications, she started throwing boxes of pills on the floor.

Sinus Sister [grabbing the pharmacist by the collar]: “I want drowsy. I need drowsy!”

Pharmacist: “Sorry. That’s all we have.”

Sinus Sister:  “What? First they take Teamocil off the market and now this? [dancing like a hobbled chicken] I think you’re just afraid to give drowsy to a woman? That’s sexist.”

Gob was shopping for lighter fluid in a nearby isle when he heard “give drowsy to a woman”. He was intrigued. Was there an untapped supply of drowsy pills? His dealer had just run out of Forget-Me-Nows.

Gob approached: “Nobody can accuse me of being sexist. I just tried to drug my nephew so he’d forget I kissed him at a gay bar. And I’d do the exact same thing to my niece.”

Sinus Sister recognized Gob from the news. She knew him as the satirical magician from the family of treasonous sex offenders….She was wrong about the satire. And she was wrong, a few years back, to break into the adoption agency to read her file. Her college boyfriend, Tony Wonder, helped her pick the lock and open the sealed records. [Tony uses a crow bar on the filing cabinet, but smashes his fingers and accidentally trashes the office.]

That’s how Sinus Sister learned Lindsay Bluth and Sally Sitwell are her biological sisters.

[Sinus Sister wears a SLUT t-shirt while reading her adoption file. Police sirens get louder. Tony Wonder hides inside a desk and discovers his gimmick for a career in magic]

Sinus Sister: “What kind of horrible couple would adopt only one daughter from a family with two other girls?

[Young Lucille gulps a martini, saying to Michael and his house guests, “Are these the exchange students? Irish twins are bad luck, Michael. Send one BACK!”]

Someone needed to save Lindsay from that family of reprobates….and see if her sister could score any Teamocil.

Arrested Dev next episode

The narrator defines the word reprobate in the recap; Tobias conducts Sinus Sister’s intake interview at Austerity; Lucille Bluth confides in her new rehab buddy and Michael won’t let Irish twins buy a home in Sudden Valley.

#1 Stocking Stuffer: Cold-EEZE Oral Spray, Breaking Bad and Walt White Explains Zincum Gluconicum

Walt White explains Zincum Gluconicum

INT. DAY – DINER

WALT WHITE, a chemistry teacher and cancer-ridden drug lord, watches SINUS SISTER, who wears her FUR HAT indoors. CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS cannot improve the shabby diner where they sit, with a PAPER BAG on the table between them.

SINUS SISTER sneezes. She takes a bottle of COLD-EEZE from the FUR MUFF in her lap and holds it up to her ruby-red LIPS.

WALT

What’s that crap you’re spraying in your mouth?

SINUS SISTER

(sneeze)

It’s not crap. It’s Cold-Eeze. Mint flavour.

WALT

It’s probably just candy. Let me see.

SINUS SISTER whips the bottle of COLD-EEZE at WALT, so he can read the ingredients.

WALT

No, no, I stand corrected. There’s an active ingredient in here. Zincum Glyconicum.

SINUS SISTER

What’s that?

WALT

Zinc, you moron. Didn’t you just learn about zinc last week?

SINUS SISTER pulls a GUN from the FUR MUFF on her lap. She points it as WALT.

SINUS SISTER

You can talk to Jesse that way, but not to me. EXPLAIN ZINC.

WALT looks at the CANADA DRY CLOCK and swallows.

WALT

We don’t have time for this.

SINUS SISTER

No, we don’t have time for me to have a bad cold during the Christmas rush.

He sighs, shrugs in agreement, and reads the BOTTLE more closely. SINUS SISTER puts away her gun.

WALT

Zincum Gluconicum is a form of zinc bound to a substance which makes for better absorption.

SINUS SISTER

So it works?

WALT

Hang on. It recommends two sprays a day. That’s about 26 mg.

SINUS SISTER

That’s enough.

WALT

 Studies have shown that zinc can reduce cold symptoms drastically…

SINUS SISTER

…if you take it fast enough. Which I did. Two sprays last night.

WALT

And?

SINUS SISTER

Steady and holding, instead of full-on sick .

WALT

So, why are you asking me?

SINUS SISTER

You’re  Heisenberg.

SINUS SISTER slides the PAPER BAG toward WALT. He tucks it into his coat.

WALT

Are you going to tell me what’s in there?

SINUS SISTER

Stocking stuffers for the crew.