Sinus Sister’s Arrested Development
This is the story of a blog whose future was abruptly cancelled and the one writer who had no choice but to keep herself together. It’s Sinus Sister’s arrested development.
When the Bluth family adopted Lindsay, they didn’t count on her having yet another sister—the third Sitwell girl. She was a writer who had recently been dragged off to Lucille Austero’s rehab clinic because of her fondness for Benadryl and Sudafed. Since her last blog post in March 2012, she’d hit rock bottom, chasing pseudoephedrine with antihistamines with Jesse from Breaking Bad. She smashed her nette pot and went back on nasal sprays, using five or six times a day. Her dealer operated out of the same corner store where Gob got his Forget-Me-Now pills. The only one who noticed her mounting addiction was Max Fowler, the pharmacist.
Angered by all the “Non-Drowsy” sinus medications, she started throwing boxes of pills on the floor.
Sinus Sister [grabbing the pharmacist by the collar]: “I want drowsy. I need drowsy!”
Pharmacist: “Sorry. That’s all we have.”
Sinus Sister: “What? First they take Teamocil off the market and now this? [dancing like a hobbled chicken] I think you’re just afraid to give drowsy to a woman? That’s sexist.”
Gob was shopping for lighter fluid in a nearby isle when he heard “give drowsy to a woman”. He was intrigued. Was there an untapped supply of drowsy pills? His dealer had just run out of Forget-Me-Nows.
Gob approached: “Nobody can accuse me of being sexist. I just tried to drug my nephew so he’d forget I kissed him at a gay bar. And I’d do the exact same thing to my niece.”
Sinus Sister recognized Gob from the news. She knew him as the satirical magician from the family of treasonous sex offenders….She was wrong about the satire. And she was wrong, a few years back, to break into the adoption agency to read her file. Her college boyfriend, Tony Wonder, helped her pick the lock and open the sealed records. [Tony uses a crow bar on the filing cabinet, but smashes his fingers and accidentally trashes the office.]
That’s how Sinus Sister learned Lindsay Bluth and Sally Sitwell are her biological sisters.
[Sinus Sister wears a SLUT t-shirt while reading her adoption file. Police sirens get louder. Tony Wonder hides inside a desk and discovers his gimmick for a career in magic]
Sinus Sister: “What kind of horrible couple would adopt only one daughter from a family with two other girls?
[Young Lucille gulps a martini, saying to Michael and his house guests, “Are these the exchange students? Irish twins are bad luck, Michael. Send one BACK!”]
Someone needed to save Lindsay from that family of reprobates….and see if her sister could score any Teamocil.
The narrator defines the word reprobate in the recap; Tobias conducts Sinus Sister’s intake interview at Austerity; Lucille Bluth confides in her new rehab buddy and Michael won’t let Irish twins buy a home in Sudden Valley.